Saturday, October 13, 2012

Something Called Life

He grasped her wrist tightly almost seeming to want to break it. Nadia eyes were fixed on his face and the expression of angry running through his body.
Strong emotions could be seen even with closed eyes. Madness, that he is confusing with the delusion of true love. Control with a taste of pure hate. She planned to stand her ground. The moment felt long.

“I am leaving” she said. “I am walking out the door. I've made up my mind. And nothing is going to change that”.

“How far do you think you'll get huh?” He replied staring into her eyes. These eye falsely displayed compassion and remorse. Now, these eyes overflowed with certainty and arrogance.

“Far enough and like I said nothing is going to stop me. Please move and just let me go now” she replied.

“You can't get far if you're in the hospital” taking hold of her wrist and he swung her into the nearest wall.

Her body flung and the sound of her shoulder bone cracked louder than her body hitting the wall. She let out a loud scream of pain and not for help. This was a moment like so many others when choices became a decision of survival. She quickly fell to the floor. The wrist of her right hand was still in his firm grip as he rushed to kick her under the arm.

As his foot drew back she quickly and violently shouted “I AM SORRY”, with eyes full of tears.

He pulled her off the floor and directly into his face and eyes “How far do you think you will get huh?” almost speaking in a whisper. “I am not going anywhere. Am not going. . .” she cried. He walked away fearless.

She thought about biting him or kneeing him in the groin, but she did nothing. Again, Nadia found herself on the floor of cheap vinyl. At this moment her heart vibrated pure pain.
Nadia realized it was not love that kept her silent, broken, and lost, but fear. The fear of her own death scared her. "I want to know what it is like to LIVE", she said in her thoughts. There was not one moment in her life she could remember feeling alive. Poverty and violence in childhood, continued for twenty-seven years.

Yet, somewhere in the middle of her chest she felt light. This light began to grow as she closed her eyes and focused. It was familiar, something she felt all her life even as a young girl. Hope to fulfill her dream to be alive.

She remembered a moment from childhood, one that was positive. When she was a child her mother would take her to park to swing at night. Nadia would swing as high as she could and stare at the stars. Staring at a beautiful dark midnight blue sky where she felt free and full of bliss.
Nadia realized she could not live this dream unless she was free from her nightmare. Unless she promised herself she would never create this vision of despair again in her life.

With her eyes still closed she felt absolute confident as she spoke these words aloud, "Dear God, I am ready".

Birds began to chirp outside the window. This was a harmonious massage from God. Everything that was once unclear became clear. Time had passed in the night as quickly as she sat on the floor.
There was nothing in this relationship or home worth holding on to or even packing a suitcase.
Nadia knew his patterns and behaviors. During the time when he slept the most peacefully, right before the sun rose, she prepared to leave. As she walked into her bedroom she grabbed hold of an old Chanel perfume bottle her mother used to keep. She rubbed it between her fingers almost as if to make a wish with a magic the lamp.

Her heart became warm with happiness; she smiled and felt beautiful. Even thought she was in physical pain she could only feel joy. She repeated in her mind and heart these words over and over "God, I am ready". With the light in her heart to guide her, she left to find freedom and something called life.

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